The great state of Tennessee made history this week by passing House Bill 1174, the "Protecting Children from Adult Performance Act," which its sponsors say targets drag shows but whose actual language bans any "adult cabaret performance" involving costumes, wigs, or prosthetics in the presence of minors.

Legal analysts immediately pointed out that this definition technically includes birthday party clowns, mall Santas, every single mascot at a professional sporting event, and the beloved Chick-fil-A cow — an irony that has not been lost on anyone except, apparently, the legislators who wrote it.

"We know what we meant," said the bill's sponsor, Representative Dale Whitfield, sweating through his suit in a way that suggested he had just been informed about the mascot problem. "This is about protecting children from — you know — that specific thing."

When asked to define "that specific thing" without using language that also describes Halloween, Whitfield excused himself to take a phone call.

The fallout was immediate. Chuck E. Cheese's corporate office issued a panicked memo. The University of Tennessee's mascot handler reportedly called his lawyer. And the state's own tourism department quietly scrubbed photos of Dolly Parton in costume from their website before someone pointed out Dollywood employs approximately two hundred people in character costumes at any given time.

Local drag queen and constitutional law enthusiast Jurisprudence Jackson held a press conference outside the statehouse wearing a powdered wig and judicial robes — which, she noted, technically also violate the new statute.

"If wearing a wig and performing for an audience is illegal, then every single judge in this courthouse is a criminal," Jackson declared. "And based on some of their rulings, I'd say that tracks."

The ACLU has already filed a challenge. The hearing is scheduled for April. The judge has not yet confirmed whether she will be wearing her traditional robe and wig, which would make her, under the new law, an outlaw.