In a press conference that absolutely no one asked for, Senator Bill Hargrove (R-Somewhere Disappointing) declared that drag queens represent "the single greatest threat to American family values since avocado toast."

The senator, visibly sweating under fluorescent lights that did his complexion zero favors, gestured wildly at a poster board displaying screenshots from RuPaul's Drag Race that his intern had clearly been watching on company time.

"These men in wigs are confusing our children!" Hargrove bellowed, apparently unaware that his own children have been confused about why he missed every single school play since 2015.

DQActivist reached out to the Hargrove family for comment. His wife's publicist said she was "unavailable," his eldest daughter posted a TikTok lip-syncing to "You Don't Own Me," and his son was last seen at a drag brunch in Portland, tipping generously.

When pressed on what specific family values were under threat, the senator listed "dinner together, church on Sundays, and respecting your elders." A quick check of his congressional schedule revealed he has voted against family leave, school lunch programs, and elder care funding seventeen times.

The drag community responded with characteristic grace. Local queen Anita Budget released a statement reading simply: "Honey, the only thing I'm threatening is mediocre eyeliner. And based on that press conference, the senator should be worried."