The Pleasantville School Board's newly formed "Family Reading Protection Committee" hit a snag this week when it was revealed that none of its seven members have actually read a book in the current decade.

Committee chair Karen Mitchell, who has proposed banning 43 books from school libraries including works by Toni Morrison, James Baldwin, and "anything with a rainbow on the cover," was found to have a public Goodreads account showing her last completed book was "The South Beach Diet" in 2003. She gave it two stars.

"You don't have to read a book to know it's dangerous," Mitchell told reporters, a sentence that will surely be studied by philosophy students for generations.

The committee's list of banned books includes several that don't actually exist, including "The Gay Agenda: A How-To Guide" and "Teaching Your Child to Be Transgender," both of which appear to have been sourced from a Facebook group called "Concerned Moms Against Everything."

Local drag queen and children's librarian Dewey Decimal (legal name: David Chen, MLIS from Berkeley) offered to host a community reading hour. "I just want to help kids discover the joy of reading," he said, adjusting his spectacular cat-eye glasses. "Also, if these committee members would like some book recommendations, I have a few. Starting with the First Amendment."

The committee has scheduled its next meeting for a date that conflicts with the town's annual literacy fundraiser, which committee members described as "probably fine since we weren't going anyway."